Tired

Not a lot to write about at 2 am, but I've had some medical things happen the past couple of months and it just dawned on me today that no one really gives a damn. My family, so called friends no one. Do you think I've gotten a phone call to see how I was doing...NOPE, not my parents, siblings or grandparents. I should really be use to it, but at 32 it still bothers me. People only call when they want something or to tell me what they are going through. I'm suppose to jump and be superwoman when other people are down or not feeling well and all I get when I'm sick is "what's wrong" and no call or response after that. Everything in me right now wants to cuss and act a fool, but that won't get me anywhere. So I will keep doing what I have been doing my whole and deal with things myself since I am by myself.

Open heart

My heart has been closed for so long that I was to the point that I wasn't sure if I knew how to let anyone back in. As a child my mama would get upset with my daddy and would tell me not to get married, men are stupid, marriage is a waste of time. Those were things that would be in the back of my mind in my relationships. Now at 32 it's time for me to get with the program and stop with the foolishness. I know that all men aren't worth my time and vice versa, but something I had to ask myself was what are some reasons for me to want to open my heart and try again; especially after being hurt and broken down like I was just 8 months ago.This is not something I took lightly and I put a lot of thought and prayer into it. There's not a doubt in my mind that my future husband is in my life now (in some form), I just need to get my mind right so I do not miss out on my blessing. I know in some forms I am ready to be a Mrs. but I know there is one area I am lacking and I need to work on that. I want to be complete before the next phase comes, I do not want to be 75%; I need to be 100%. So with that being said, I will continue to grow and better myself so when I do get to the next stage of my life I can enjoy it.

Tomorrow is a new day

Sometimes I am the most inconsiderate person. This is nothing new I have been told this since I was a child. Now at 32 I still find myself being distant and trust me when I say it comes off the wrong way. Took a trip today and in my head the trip went totally different, but somehow I managed once again to through a wrench in it. Trust me when I say I don't do it on purpose. I really feel like since I don't want to be hurt again I tend to block some emotions and become complacent about a lot of things. It's no ones fault, but that is my way of dealing with feelings that I do not want to feel. OOOOHHHH that sounds horrible! All I can do is try to be better and not beat myself up because of it.

Emotional...

Keeping it together the only way I know how; holding my feelings in and hoping for the best. I would love nothing more than to be able to do what I want and not care about other people feelings, but that is not how I operate. Sometimes the fact that I care/love so much hurts me, because I don't receive that in return. It would be wonderful to be able to feel like the only woman in the world again or for my family and friends to see me for my heart and not what they can get out of me. I don't mind helping people, that is just in my nature, but it's amazing when you need a shoulder to cry on everyone is too busy. It is what it is, now on to something else.

Nothing has really changed as far as my personal life. That's a lie; only one man I'm interested in instead of two. The other was exed out last week, I don't like it when people try to talk me into doing things when I've already said no, that is an immediate turn off. So he is out of the pic. As far as my dude, we are cool still in the process of getting to know each other. My wall is still up so I'm at a stand still until I see a reason to let it down a little more. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I have to protect this heart of mine; it has been through a lot in these 32 years. Is it possible that soon I will be able to be vulnerable with a man again? I hope so, being in a loveless relationship for 3 years really sucked and I am ready to be able to give all of me to someone who will appreciate the type of woman Iam. My homeboys always tell me that I am the perfect woman... I can hold it down, love sports, can cook, I don't trip, sexy, ride or die chick, supportive and funny. If I am all of those "things" (which I do have much more to offer, but that's for another time) why haven't I fallen in love? I mean I have loved, but never been in love. I will continue to patiently wait and continue to become a better woman so I can show my boys an example of what a woman is suppose be and so I can be the best woman for my future husband.

Bottled Up Feelings

There are some things weighing heavy on my heart and mind. Feelings of neglect, guilt, loneliness and not knowing. One thing I have noticed is these feelings come on strong around the holidays. Since its Mothers Day, it's no wonder I have been in a funk for the past week. Today, all of these feelings are coming to a head because I can't seem to get it together and stop crying. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE feeling like this and I have been like this for as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn't great, but it was definitely better than most. Loving parents that did the best they could with what they knew. Never doubted my parents love, but they had a weird way of showing me. I can remember being 10 years old and my mom getting me and my sisters ready to go and take pictures and I got my pants dirty and my mom getting mad and leaving me at home by myself,. That night really stands out in my head because I remember feeling scared, alone and wondering why my mom hated me so much. I know that she doesn't hate me but being 10 years at home alone at night those are not memories that I will forget (Those are my Thanksgiving memories). The Christmas holidays where I was the only kid that didn't get a gift at my dads side of the family house. Being told that since I am a step child that I don't need to call him my daddy. I could go on and on, but all of these things happening in my child hood made adulthood difficult. I never wanted to get married until about 4 years ago, because my mom would always tell me that it's better to be single because men aren't worth it (thank God I don't feel that way anymore). Now with that being said, since I believed what my mama was telling me that started me in a cycle of being promiscuous and not trusting men only using them to get what I want. That may have worked in high school, but it didn't work for me in college because I was rapped. Not going to go into details, but what I can say is if I would have had a better example of what a healthy relationship I wouldn't have been so easy for me to fall and have sex with a guy because he said he loved me or he thought I was fine. I would have been able to better recognize the good from bad. I know I have to take responsibility for a lot of my actions, but some things are taught to us as children and I didn't get that lesson when it came to sex and my body. I had to figure that out on my own. Even as an adult I still struggle at times, but it is a process and everyday it gets better.

Threw me through a loop...

This morning I woke up and was getting the kids ready for school and my oldest asked me if I could go with him to his field trip. I explained to him that I really didn't have the gas to go and was still a little sore and couldn't be walking around all day in the heat. Then he asked me if the person I am dating could go with him. I told him no that's not a good idea. Then we get home and he tells me it is hat day tomorrow and asked me if I could take him to the store to get a hat...BTW we just left the store and he never said a word about needing a hat. Then he asked if the person I am dating could take him to the store to get him a hat and when I said no we will take care of it tomorrow he looked at me and said that he was going to call Charles (the ex) and ask him. That bothered me so much on different levels. The first think is the relationship I'm in is new and really worried about my kids getting attached because it's early and I don't want them to get hurt if it doesn't work. The second thing is that my son feels comfortable calling or texting my ex about stuff. So today I had to sit down and talk to him and explain that he is not to call him or text him about anything. When I told him that he just had this look on his face like everything I was telling him didn't make any sense. It broke my heart because I know my son has a void and a need that I can not fill, no matter how hard I try. It broke my heart and all I could do tonight is cry. I wish this was easier.

Head is definitely in a different space today. Not because there is anything wrong, I have just had a lot of things running through my head; questions that I ask myself. Like, Do I really ever want to get married and if yes why? Do I want more kids? Is it more freeing to be single and have fun? What is really the point of a relationship? I am not opposed to any of the above things, but I am very aware that they are not for everyone and sometimes I feel like it's not for me or more on the lines that it is not going to happen for me. I have been close so many times when I was younger and now that I am in my 30's I have this urge to be a wife and have that best friend/husband, someone to wake up to in the morning and have that intimacy. Now that I am in my settling down mode, I can't seem to find the a man that is on the same page with me. I like to be honest from the beginning and let a dude know what I am looking for and most of the time I get a negative response, but it's cool I just don't want to blind side anyone so I just put it out there. I would hope that they can at the least appreciate my honesty. Then the next thought that pops in my head is someway I feel like I owe it to my kids. They have been through so much especially my oldest. His father was murdered a few years ago and 4 months later I met my ex and my son bonded with him so much (all of my kids did) and when our relationship ended he was so hurt and didn't understand why Charles (ex) didn't love them anymore. I have to admit it was rough for a couple of months, but I really felt like I was doing the right thing with that relationship, but looking back now I know. I do not want to make that mistake again and get my kids involved, but sometimes it's hard. I am a single parent and yes sometimes I can get a babysitter, but I don't want to always be pawning my kids off just so I can go out and have a good time. I know that it is necessary to get out and enjoy myself, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do feel guilty I don't want my kids to feel like I prefer to go out instead of being with them. So even though I have been a mom for 12 years I am learning how to balance motherhood while still having time to be Nyiesa.

Week out of surgery and I thought that I was going to be feeling a lot better and moving around better. Not the case at all, I think that I tried to do to much this weekend, but it was hard not to because the kids were here and my boo came over. Thank goodness he was here cause he helped cook and kept the mood light, which is always good. It was good seeing the kids, but the arguing and tattle telling wore me thin, so my friend came and picked them up for me. Hopefully when I go to the doctor on Tuesday he will tell me everything is fine and I can eat some real food. Soup, noodles, yogurt and crackers are getting really old. I want Chillis so bad that I can already taste the food mmm mmm mmm. Since I can't have it now, guess I will eat me some crackers and go to bed.

Never felt this way..

Had a set back today. Was not able to keep anything down and severe stomach pains and cramping. Really thought I was going to have to get someone to take me to the emergency room. Thank goodness I have nurses and doctors for friends. Now since that is out of the way, I am making a break through. MY WALL IS HALF WAY DOWN, yeah me! With that being said, I think he's into me just as much as I'm into him, at least that is what he tells me :) He is such a good hearted person and I can't help but to smile when I see he text or is calling me. I can honestly say it's not a physical thing, he is the most intelligent, artist, warm hearted, caring, honest person I have met in a long time. So refreshing...I can't even put it into words. The more we talk and text the more I fall for him, right now he is saying all of the right things to keep my attention on him. Praying that we stay on this track of exploring  one another because he is definately someone I want to have in my life for the long haul. But I am going to do what I said and let him make all of the first moves. Time to put the aggressive Nyiesa away and show my softer side. I'm excited for the future.

Surgery went well yesterday, it took them a little longer than expected. Got home around 3:00 pm and let me tell you having to climb up 17 steps was not fun but I made it. Had a friend take off work and he took really good care of me waiting at the hospital, keeping me calm, getting me stuff from the store and picking up my prescriptions. I really appreciate him. Sad that my mom wasn't make it but she had to work and they are short handed. I know she was praying for me. Was laying in the OR waiting for the anesteciologist to come in and all of a sudden my fears went away and tears started flowing. The first thing I said to myself is, "My mama is praying for me." That made me feel so much better, along with stopping and getting kisses from my boys before heading to the hospital. Well I am fixing to eat my strawberry yogurt, take a pain pill and go back to sleep.

My world

I was up this morning so I decided to go to the donut shop and get the kids some breakfast before they woke up. As I was driving I got a little emotional thinking about what if something happened to me tomorrow during my surgery. I know that's nothing but the devil, but it did pop in my head. So then I started thinking about my kids and how much I love them and how hard I am on them. All this time I have had in my head that I want my kids to be as perfect as possible; although I am very aware that no one can be or is perfect. Then I started telling myself that I am hard on them because I want them to grow up and be intelligent, successful black men. Today I realized I am hard on them because I am uptight. Yes I said it I AM UPTIGHT! Truth is I am hard on my kids, because I don't know how to relax and let stuff go and I feel like things need to be in order all the time. That is definitely not something I want my kids to take with them into adulthood. So today, I will hug and kiss my kids even more than before, because I want them to know that they are truly a blessing to me. I can honestly say that I have the best little boys in the world, they each bring something very special and important to the table. Jaylen my 11 year old is the negotiator the one always trying to keep the peace, has a smile that will just melt your heart. Davon my 9 year old is the protector and the thinker, he may be the quietest one but trust me those wheels in his head are going 100 mph, he doesn't play when it comes to his family. Last but not least there is Corey my 6 year old or as I like to call him Mr. Personality. Everybody loves Corey, he is truly a people person, he loves people and will talk to anyone. So intelligent for his young age and a ladies man. He can be in a room full of people he don't know and he will come out with everyone being his friend. These are just a few of the things I love about my kids and a few things that I am jealous of as well. God has really blessed me with three little miracles. So if I never get married or have anymore children, I can say without a doubt that my life is already complete!

Took a step and now things are little more clear for me. Just waiting on him, i hear everything he says and cant help but to smile and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I still have a wall up and I working to let it down slowly. I do not want to block my blessings so I am stepping out on faith. Realizing that sometimes we have to take a detour to get where we are suppose to be and I can't help but feel that in his arms is where I'm suppose to be.

Torn......

Since I have been single, I have met a lot of really nice and cool people. The only down fall is that I have met 2 people that have the qualities I'm looking for. Both work hard, God fearing, love kids, good role model, goal oriented, motivated, sense of humor, treat me like I am the only woman in the world...... So now the question is what do I do? Obviously I am not going to do what I have done in the past, I am not going to make the first move as far as being together. This go around I am going to wait for him to make the first move. Just nerve wrecking because they are both very special and mean a lot to me. I just hope I make the right decision. Never felt like this especially about 2 people, but I will take my time and make sure it's right this go around...no more rushing for me

Let Go

I know the things we go through make us wiser and stronger. After the past few months I should be the wisest and strongest woman in the world. I refuse to be or feel defeated!! My heart and mind are going in so many different directions, I feel like there are some decisions I need to make, but my heart and mind are fighting one another. So I am just going to let it go and let God. Sometimes we block our blessings and I'm not blocking mine anymore. So Lord I am ready for you to move these mountains and show me the way.

Sometimes...

There has been so much going on the past couple of week. About 2 weeks ago I experience some of the worst pain since child birth. I was in the bathroom at the hospital where I work crying and texting my doctor to come and get me because I couldn't move. From there I went to the ER and was given a bunch of meds and scheduled for a gallbladder sonogram the next day since my CT didn't show anything. Had the sonogram and from there I had to have a HIDA scan done, that's when they told me my gallbladder was working at 12%. Saturday I did a big no no and ate a hamburger with the lettuce and Sunday I paid for it dearly because I couldn't move, I was in so much pain. Pain medicine finally kicked in and I was able to go to sleep only to wake up dry heaving for an hour... horrible!!! Today I seen the surgeon and he wants me to have my gallbladder taken out on Monday. So I am extremely anxious and nervous, but I know everything will be ok. Looking forward to feeling better, being able to eat and loosing some weight. He said I should drop about 15-20 pounds real quick so that's good.

Catering

Sometimes men think I do the things I do because I am trying to make them fall for me. Why is it so hard to believe that I enjoy cooking for my man and pleasing my man. I feel like every man is a king and he needs to be treated as such. It's almost a form of foreplay for me, to have him come over to a home cooked meal and great conversation. Me giving him seconds or refilling his drink. Rubbing his feet and making sure he is comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with that. I like catering to my man, that's just me.

Lovers and Friends

I had a great weekend, had the opportunity to hang out with someone and be myself (which is a wonderful feeling) My delima is letting down my wall. Not sure if I should, it doesn't have anything to do with trust, but it has everything to do with falling for someone when that's not what the arrangement is. It feels great to be able to be myself and not have someone judge me, but love the fact that I have a past and have experienced things. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I sometimes find myself saying things that contradict the nature of the "relationship" and that is not something I want to do. I am not one of those jealous women that have to be under a man all the time. Sometimes I can't help but to want to be the only woman and the more I think about it I start to feel a little bad. So do I continue to shut that part of me off? I feel like if I do then I am not being real with myself, but I am scared to let it down because it may have consequences that I am not prepared to handle. I will definitely have to think on this a little more to make the right decision for me. No one wants to be hurt and no one wants to be alone.

Opened Eyes

There was a time when I thought everything in my life was finally working out the way I had always dreamed. I had a wonderful man in my life that loved my kids and my kids loved him. We went to family functions together, school events and getaways. Then it all came crashing down. Looking back now I can see that the relationship was doomed from the start, but me wanting to have a husband, kids and the house really clouded my judgement. I pushed my feelings to the side and lowered my standards on what I would accept from a man. Early on in the relationship things happened and now I know that was God telling me to open my eyes and pay attention. Without putting all my business out there in the streets, lets just say we stayed together damn near 3 years before it was finally over. I did not like the person I was turning into when I was with him, but I kept telling myself that I love him and my kids love him and was really hoping that he loved me just as much. Truth is he didn't love me and I think I was holding on because I didn't understand why. It's not because I couldn't find anyone else; to be honest I still don't know understand that part. At 32 I can honestly say I have a very clear understanding that you can't make people love you, no matter how good you cook, how good the sex is, how good you keep a house and manage your money. Love is so much more that. I'm not bitter, I feel that people come and leave your life for a reason. I feel that he was brought into my life to show me that I am capable of loving and taking care of someone besides my kids, and for that reason I am at peace with everything. There was a time when I never wanted to get married, because of the type of marriage my parents had when I was growning up and my mama always telling us not to get married. After a while the dating and the sex became a chore and that wasn't the life I wanted. I was finally ready to settle down and then there he was. So in the begining I looked at him like he was perfect because I got what I asked for. lol *** Listen *** Recently I looked at what I asked for: kind hearted, loves kids, God fearing, sense of humor and hard working. I'm sure some of you are scrating your heads. God said be specific, no where did I mention faithfulness, patience, understanding, compassion, goal oriented, stability (just to mention a few). So please believe me when I say I am being specific about what I need in a mate. I know he's out there, I'm just waiting for him to find me.