Long time

It's been a long while. Looking back at some of the other posts 2011 was a rough year, but I'm still standing. Single and definitely ok with it. Found a job moved to the city, start school in the spring and God willing I will have a bachelor's degree soon. Time to focus on me so I can be better for my boys. I can't drill them on how important and education is and I don't have a degree. So it's time to put the fear to the left and make it happen. To say the least I'm nervous and excited, balancing school, working full time and being a single parent isn't going to be easy but I know I have it in me. Feels good to blog again even if no one reads it this is my therapy.

Tired

Not a lot to write about at 2 am, but I've had some medical things happen the past couple of months and it just dawned on me today that no one really gives a damn. My family, so called friends no one. Do you think I've gotten a phone call to see how I was doing...NOPE, not my parents, siblings or grandparents. I should really be use to it, but at 32 it still bothers me. People only call when they want something or to tell me what they are going through. I'm suppose to jump and be superwoman when other people are down or not feeling well and all I get when I'm sick is "what's wrong" and no call or response after that. Everything in me right now wants to cuss and act a fool, but that won't get me anywhere. So I will keep doing what I have been doing my whole and deal with things myself since I am by myself.

Open heart

My heart has been closed for so long that I was to the point that I wasn't sure if I knew how to let anyone back in. As a child my mama would get upset with my daddy and would tell me not to get married, men are stupid, marriage is a waste of time. Those were things that would be in the back of my mind in my relationships. Now at 32 it's time for me to get with the program and stop with the foolishness. I know that all men aren't worth my time and vice versa, but something I had to ask myself was what are some reasons for me to want to open my heart and try again; especially after being hurt and broken down like I was just 8 months ago.This is not something I took lightly and I put a lot of thought and prayer into it. There's not a doubt in my mind that my future husband is in my life now (in some form), I just need to get my mind right so I do not miss out on my blessing. I know in some forms I am ready to be a Mrs. but I know there is one area I am lacking and I need to work on that. I want to be complete before the next phase comes, I do not want to be 75%; I need to be 100%. So with that being said, I will continue to grow and better myself so when I do get to the next stage of my life I can enjoy it.

Tomorrow is a new day

Sometimes I am the most inconsiderate person. This is nothing new I have been told this since I was a child. Now at 32 I still find myself being distant and trust me when I say it comes off the wrong way. Took a trip today and in my head the trip went totally different, but somehow I managed once again to through a wrench in it. Trust me when I say I don't do it on purpose. I really feel like since I don't want to be hurt again I tend to block some emotions and become complacent about a lot of things. It's no ones fault, but that is my way of dealing with feelings that I do not want to feel. OOOOHHHH that sounds horrible! All I can do is try to be better and not beat myself up because of it.

Emotional...

Keeping it together the only way I know how; holding my feelings in and hoping for the best. I would love nothing more than to be able to do what I want and not care about other people feelings, but that is not how I operate. Sometimes the fact that I care/love so much hurts me, because I don't receive that in return. It would be wonderful to be able to feel like the only woman in the world again or for my family and friends to see me for my heart and not what they can get out of me. I don't mind helping people, that is just in my nature, but it's amazing when you need a shoulder to cry on everyone is too busy. It is what it is, now on to something else.

Nothing has really changed as far as my personal life. That's a lie; only one man I'm interested in instead of two. The other was exed out last week, I don't like it when people try to talk me into doing things when I've already said no, that is an immediate turn off. So he is out of the pic. As far as my dude, we are cool still in the process of getting to know each other. My wall is still up so I'm at a stand still until I see a reason to let it down a little more. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I have to protect this heart of mine; it has been through a lot in these 32 years. Is it possible that soon I will be able to be vulnerable with a man again? I hope so, being in a loveless relationship for 3 years really sucked and I am ready to be able to give all of me to someone who will appreciate the type of woman Iam. My homeboys always tell me that I am the perfect woman... I can hold it down, love sports, can cook, I don't trip, sexy, ride or die chick, supportive and funny. If I am all of those "things" (which I do have much more to offer, but that's for another time) why haven't I fallen in love? I mean I have loved, but never been in love. I will continue to patiently wait and continue to become a better woman so I can show my boys an example of what a woman is suppose be and so I can be the best woman for my future husband.

Bottled Up Feelings

There are some things weighing heavy on my heart and mind. Feelings of neglect, guilt, loneliness and not knowing. One thing I have noticed is these feelings come on strong around the holidays. Since its Mothers Day, it's no wonder I have been in a funk for the past week. Today, all of these feelings are coming to a head because I can't seem to get it together and stop crying. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE feeling like this and I have been like this for as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn't great, but it was definitely better than most. Loving parents that did the best they could with what they knew. Never doubted my parents love, but they had a weird way of showing me. I can remember being 10 years old and my mom getting me and my sisters ready to go and take pictures and I got my pants dirty and my mom getting mad and leaving me at home by myself,. That night really stands out in my head because I remember feeling scared, alone and wondering why my mom hated me so much. I know that she doesn't hate me but being 10 years at home alone at night those are not memories that I will forget (Those are my Thanksgiving memories). The Christmas holidays where I was the only kid that didn't get a gift at my dads side of the family house. Being told that since I am a step child that I don't need to call him my daddy. I could go on and on, but all of these things happening in my child hood made adulthood difficult. I never wanted to get married until about 4 years ago, because my mom would always tell me that it's better to be single because men aren't worth it (thank God I don't feel that way anymore). Now with that being said, since I believed what my mama was telling me that started me in a cycle of being promiscuous and not trusting men only using them to get what I want. That may have worked in high school, but it didn't work for me in college because I was rapped. Not going to go into details, but what I can say is if I would have had a better example of what a healthy relationship I wouldn't have been so easy for me to fall and have sex with a guy because he said he loved me or he thought I was fine. I would have been able to better recognize the good from bad. I know I have to take responsibility for a lot of my actions, but some things are taught to us as children and I didn't get that lesson when it came to sex and my body. I had to figure that out on my own. Even as an adult I still struggle at times, but it is a process and everyday it gets better.

Threw me through a loop...

This morning I woke up and was getting the kids ready for school and my oldest asked me if I could go with him to his field trip. I explained to him that I really didn't have the gas to go and was still a little sore and couldn't be walking around all day in the heat. Then he asked me if the person I am dating could go with him. I told him no that's not a good idea. Then we get home and he tells me it is hat day tomorrow and asked me if I could take him to the store to get a hat...BTW we just left the store and he never said a word about needing a hat. Then he asked if the person I am dating could take him to the store to get him a hat and when I said no we will take care of it tomorrow he looked at me and said that he was going to call Charles (the ex) and ask him. That bothered me so much on different levels. The first think is the relationship I'm in is new and really worried about my kids getting attached because it's early and I don't want them to get hurt if it doesn't work. The second thing is that my son feels comfortable calling or texting my ex about stuff. So today I had to sit down and talk to him and explain that he is not to call him or text him about anything. When I told him that he just had this look on his face like everything I was telling him didn't make any sense. It broke my heart because I know my son has a void and a need that I can not fill, no matter how hard I try. It broke my heart and all I could do tonight is cry. I wish this was easier.