Never felt this way..

Had a set back today. Was not able to keep anything down and severe stomach pains and cramping. Really thought I was going to have to get someone to take me to the emergency room. Thank goodness I have nurses and doctors for friends. Now since that is out of the way, I am making a break through. MY WALL IS HALF WAY DOWN, yeah me! With that being said, I think he's into me just as much as I'm into him, at least that is what he tells me :) He is such a good hearted person and I can't help but to smile when I see he text or is calling me. I can honestly say it's not a physical thing, he is the most intelligent, artist, warm hearted, caring, honest person I have met in a long time. So refreshing...I can't even put it into words. The more we talk and text the more I fall for him, right now he is saying all of the right things to keep my attention on him. Praying that we stay on this track of exploring  one another because he is definately someone I want to have in my life for the long haul. But I am going to do what I said and let him make all of the first moves. Time to put the aggressive Nyiesa away and show my softer side. I'm excited for the future.

Surgery went well yesterday, it took them a little longer than expected. Got home around 3:00 pm and let me tell you having to climb up 17 steps was not fun but I made it. Had a friend take off work and he took really good care of me waiting at the hospital, keeping me calm, getting me stuff from the store and picking up my prescriptions. I really appreciate him. Sad that my mom wasn't make it but she had to work and they are short handed. I know she was praying for me. Was laying in the OR waiting for the anesteciologist to come in and all of a sudden my fears went away and tears started flowing. The first thing I said to myself is, "My mama is praying for me." That made me feel so much better, along with stopping and getting kisses from my boys before heading to the hospital. Well I am fixing to eat my strawberry yogurt, take a pain pill and go back to sleep.

My world

I was up this morning so I decided to go to the donut shop and get the kids some breakfast before they woke up. As I was driving I got a little emotional thinking about what if something happened to me tomorrow during my surgery. I know that's nothing but the devil, but it did pop in my head. So then I started thinking about my kids and how much I love them and how hard I am on them. All this time I have had in my head that I want my kids to be as perfect as possible; although I am very aware that no one can be or is perfect. Then I started telling myself that I am hard on them because I want them to grow up and be intelligent, successful black men. Today I realized I am hard on them because I am uptight. Yes I said it I AM UPTIGHT! Truth is I am hard on my kids, because I don't know how to relax and let stuff go and I feel like things need to be in order all the time. That is definitely not something I want my kids to take with them into adulthood. So today, I will hug and kiss my kids even more than before, because I want them to know that they are truly a blessing to me. I can honestly say that I have the best little boys in the world, they each bring something very special and important to the table. Jaylen my 11 year old is the negotiator the one always trying to keep the peace, has a smile that will just melt your heart. Davon my 9 year old is the protector and the thinker, he may be the quietest one but trust me those wheels in his head are going 100 mph, he doesn't play when it comes to his family. Last but not least there is Corey my 6 year old or as I like to call him Mr. Personality. Everybody loves Corey, he is truly a people person, he loves people and will talk to anyone. So intelligent for his young age and a ladies man. He can be in a room full of people he don't know and he will come out with everyone being his friend. These are just a few of the things I love about my kids and a few things that I am jealous of as well. God has really blessed me with three little miracles. So if I never get married or have anymore children, I can say without a doubt that my life is already complete!

Took a step and now things are little more clear for me. Just waiting on him, i hear everything he says and cant help but to smile and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I still have a wall up and I working to let it down slowly. I do not want to block my blessings so I am stepping out on faith. Realizing that sometimes we have to take a detour to get where we are suppose to be and I can't help but feel that in his arms is where I'm suppose to be.

Torn......

Since I have been single, I have met a lot of really nice and cool people. The only down fall is that I have met 2 people that have the qualities I'm looking for. Both work hard, God fearing, love kids, good role model, goal oriented, motivated, sense of humor, treat me like I am the only woman in the world...... So now the question is what do I do? Obviously I am not going to do what I have done in the past, I am not going to make the first move as far as being together. This go around I am going to wait for him to make the first move. Just nerve wrecking because they are both very special and mean a lot to me. I just hope I make the right decision. Never felt like this especially about 2 people, but I will take my time and make sure it's right this go around...no more rushing for me

Let Go

I know the things we go through make us wiser and stronger. After the past few months I should be the wisest and strongest woman in the world. I refuse to be or feel defeated!! My heart and mind are going in so many different directions, I feel like there are some decisions I need to make, but my heart and mind are fighting one another. So I am just going to let it go and let God. Sometimes we block our blessings and I'm not blocking mine anymore. So Lord I am ready for you to move these mountains and show me the way.

Sometimes...

There has been so much going on the past couple of week. About 2 weeks ago I experience some of the worst pain since child birth. I was in the bathroom at the hospital where I work crying and texting my doctor to come and get me because I couldn't move. From there I went to the ER and was given a bunch of meds and scheduled for a gallbladder sonogram the next day since my CT didn't show anything. Had the sonogram and from there I had to have a HIDA scan done, that's when they told me my gallbladder was working at 12%. Saturday I did a big no no and ate a hamburger with the lettuce and Sunday I paid for it dearly because I couldn't move, I was in so much pain. Pain medicine finally kicked in and I was able to go to sleep only to wake up dry heaving for an hour... horrible!!! Today I seen the surgeon and he wants me to have my gallbladder taken out on Monday. So I am extremely anxious and nervous, but I know everything will be ok. Looking forward to feeling better, being able to eat and loosing some weight. He said I should drop about 15-20 pounds real quick so that's good.

Catering

Sometimes men think I do the things I do because I am trying to make them fall for me. Why is it so hard to believe that I enjoy cooking for my man and pleasing my man. I feel like every man is a king and he needs to be treated as such. It's almost a form of foreplay for me, to have him come over to a home cooked meal and great conversation. Me giving him seconds or refilling his drink. Rubbing his feet and making sure he is comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with that. I like catering to my man, that's just me.

Lovers and Friends

I had a great weekend, had the opportunity to hang out with someone and be myself (which is a wonderful feeling) My delima is letting down my wall. Not sure if I should, it doesn't have anything to do with trust, but it has everything to do with falling for someone when that's not what the arrangement is. It feels great to be able to be myself and not have someone judge me, but love the fact that I have a past and have experienced things. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I sometimes find myself saying things that contradict the nature of the "relationship" and that is not something I want to do. I am not one of those jealous women that have to be under a man all the time. Sometimes I can't help but to want to be the only woman and the more I think about it I start to feel a little bad. So do I continue to shut that part of me off? I feel like if I do then I am not being real with myself, but I am scared to let it down because it may have consequences that I am not prepared to handle. I will definitely have to think on this a little more to make the right decision for me. No one wants to be hurt and no one wants to be alone.

Opened Eyes

There was a time when I thought everything in my life was finally working out the way I had always dreamed. I had a wonderful man in my life that loved my kids and my kids loved him. We went to family functions together, school events and getaways. Then it all came crashing down. Looking back now I can see that the relationship was doomed from the start, but me wanting to have a husband, kids and the house really clouded my judgement. I pushed my feelings to the side and lowered my standards on what I would accept from a man. Early on in the relationship things happened and now I know that was God telling me to open my eyes and pay attention. Without putting all my business out there in the streets, lets just say we stayed together damn near 3 years before it was finally over. I did not like the person I was turning into when I was with him, but I kept telling myself that I love him and my kids love him and was really hoping that he loved me just as much. Truth is he didn't love me and I think I was holding on because I didn't understand why. It's not because I couldn't find anyone else; to be honest I still don't know understand that part. At 32 I can honestly say I have a very clear understanding that you can't make people love you, no matter how good you cook, how good the sex is, how good you keep a house and manage your money. Love is so much more that. I'm not bitter, I feel that people come and leave your life for a reason. I feel that he was brought into my life to show me that I am capable of loving and taking care of someone besides my kids, and for that reason I am at peace with everything. There was a time when I never wanted to get married, because of the type of marriage my parents had when I was growning up and my mama always telling us not to get married. After a while the dating and the sex became a chore and that wasn't the life I wanted. I was finally ready to settle down and then there he was. So in the begining I looked at him like he was perfect because I got what I asked for. lol *** Listen *** Recently I looked at what I asked for: kind hearted, loves kids, God fearing, sense of humor and hard working. I'm sure some of you are scrating your heads. God said be specific, no where did I mention faithfulness, patience, understanding, compassion, goal oriented, stability (just to mention a few). So please believe me when I say I am being specific about what I need in a mate. I know he's out there, I'm just waiting for him to find me.