Emotional...

Keeping it together the only way I know how; holding my feelings in and hoping for the best. I would love nothing more than to be able to do what I want and not care about other people feelings, but that is not how I operate. Sometimes the fact that I care/love so much hurts me, because I don't receive that in return. It would be wonderful to be able to feel like the only woman in the world again or for my family and friends to see me for my heart and not what they can get out of me. I don't mind helping people, that is just in my nature, but it's amazing when you need a shoulder to cry on everyone is too busy. It is what it is, now on to something else.

Nothing has really changed as far as my personal life. That's a lie; only one man I'm interested in instead of two. The other was exed out last week, I don't like it when people try to talk me into doing things when I've already said no, that is an immediate turn off. So he is out of the pic. As far as my dude, we are cool still in the process of getting to know each other. My wall is still up so I'm at a stand still until I see a reason to let it down a little more. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I have to protect this heart of mine; it has been through a lot in these 32 years. Is it possible that soon I will be able to be vulnerable with a man again? I hope so, being in a loveless relationship for 3 years really sucked and I am ready to be able to give all of me to someone who will appreciate the type of woman Iam. My homeboys always tell me that I am the perfect woman... I can hold it down, love sports, can cook, I don't trip, sexy, ride or die chick, supportive and funny. If I am all of those "things" (which I do have much more to offer, but that's for another time) why haven't I fallen in love? I mean I have loved, but never been in love. I will continue to patiently wait and continue to become a better woman so I can show my boys an example of what a woman is suppose be and so I can be the best woman for my future husband.

Bottled Up Feelings

There are some things weighing heavy on my heart and mind. Feelings of neglect, guilt, loneliness and not knowing. One thing I have noticed is these feelings come on strong around the holidays. Since its Mothers Day, it's no wonder I have been in a funk for the past week. Today, all of these feelings are coming to a head because I can't seem to get it together and stop crying. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE feeling like this and I have been like this for as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn't great, but it was definitely better than most. Loving parents that did the best they could with what they knew. Never doubted my parents love, but they had a weird way of showing me. I can remember being 10 years old and my mom getting me and my sisters ready to go and take pictures and I got my pants dirty and my mom getting mad and leaving me at home by myself,. That night really stands out in my head because I remember feeling scared, alone and wondering why my mom hated me so much. I know that she doesn't hate me but being 10 years at home alone at night those are not memories that I will forget (Those are my Thanksgiving memories). The Christmas holidays where I was the only kid that didn't get a gift at my dads side of the family house. Being told that since I am a step child that I don't need to call him my daddy. I could go on and on, but all of these things happening in my child hood made adulthood difficult. I never wanted to get married until about 4 years ago, because my mom would always tell me that it's better to be single because men aren't worth it (thank God I don't feel that way anymore). Now with that being said, since I believed what my mama was telling me that started me in a cycle of being promiscuous and not trusting men only using them to get what I want. That may have worked in high school, but it didn't work for me in college because I was rapped. Not going to go into details, but what I can say is if I would have had a better example of what a healthy relationship I wouldn't have been so easy for me to fall and have sex with a guy because he said he loved me or he thought I was fine. I would have been able to better recognize the good from bad. I know I have to take responsibility for a lot of my actions, but some things are taught to us as children and I didn't get that lesson when it came to sex and my body. I had to figure that out on my own. Even as an adult I still struggle at times, but it is a process and everyday it gets better.

Threw me through a loop...

This morning I woke up and was getting the kids ready for school and my oldest asked me if I could go with him to his field trip. I explained to him that I really didn't have the gas to go and was still a little sore and couldn't be walking around all day in the heat. Then he asked me if the person I am dating could go with him. I told him no that's not a good idea. Then we get home and he tells me it is hat day tomorrow and asked me if I could take him to the store to get a hat...BTW we just left the store and he never said a word about needing a hat. Then he asked if the person I am dating could take him to the store to get him a hat and when I said no we will take care of it tomorrow he looked at me and said that he was going to call Charles (the ex) and ask him. That bothered me so much on different levels. The first think is the relationship I'm in is new and really worried about my kids getting attached because it's early and I don't want them to get hurt if it doesn't work. The second thing is that my son feels comfortable calling or texting my ex about stuff. So today I had to sit down and talk to him and explain that he is not to call him or text him about anything. When I told him that he just had this look on his face like everything I was telling him didn't make any sense. It broke my heart because I know my son has a void and a need that I can not fill, no matter how hard I try. It broke my heart and all I could do tonight is cry. I wish this was easier.

Head is definitely in a different space today. Not because there is anything wrong, I have just had a lot of things running through my head; questions that I ask myself. Like, Do I really ever want to get married and if yes why? Do I want more kids? Is it more freeing to be single and have fun? What is really the point of a relationship? I am not opposed to any of the above things, but I am very aware that they are not for everyone and sometimes I feel like it's not for me or more on the lines that it is not going to happen for me. I have been close so many times when I was younger and now that I am in my 30's I have this urge to be a wife and have that best friend/husband, someone to wake up to in the morning and have that intimacy. Now that I am in my settling down mode, I can't seem to find the a man that is on the same page with me. I like to be honest from the beginning and let a dude know what I am looking for and most of the time I get a negative response, but it's cool I just don't want to blind side anyone so I just put it out there. I would hope that they can at the least appreciate my honesty. Then the next thought that pops in my head is someway I feel like I owe it to my kids. They have been through so much especially my oldest. His father was murdered a few years ago and 4 months later I met my ex and my son bonded with him so much (all of my kids did) and when our relationship ended he was so hurt and didn't understand why Charles (ex) didn't love them anymore. I have to admit it was rough for a couple of months, but I really felt like I was doing the right thing with that relationship, but looking back now I know. I do not want to make that mistake again and get my kids involved, but sometimes it's hard. I am a single parent and yes sometimes I can get a babysitter, but I don't want to always be pawning my kids off just so I can go out and have a good time. I know that it is necessary to get out and enjoy myself, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do feel guilty I don't want my kids to feel like I prefer to go out instead of being with them. So even though I have been a mom for 12 years I am learning how to balance motherhood while still having time to be Nyiesa.

Week out of surgery and I thought that I was going to be feeling a lot better and moving around better. Not the case at all, I think that I tried to do to much this weekend, but it was hard not to because the kids were here and my boo came over. Thank goodness he was here cause he helped cook and kept the mood light, which is always good. It was good seeing the kids, but the arguing and tattle telling wore me thin, so my friend came and picked them up for me. Hopefully when I go to the doctor on Tuesday he will tell me everything is fine and I can eat some real food. Soup, noodles, yogurt and crackers are getting really old. I want Chillis so bad that I can already taste the food mmm mmm mmm. Since I can't have it now, guess I will eat me some crackers and go to bed.