Emotional...

Keeping it together the only way I know how; holding my feelings in and hoping for the best. I would love nothing more than to be able to do what I want and not care about other people feelings, but that is not how I operate. Sometimes the fact that I care/love so much hurts me, because I don't receive that in return. It would be wonderful to be able to feel like the only woman in the world again or for my family and friends to see me for my heart and not what they can get out of me. I don't mind helping people, that is just in my nature, but it's amazing when you need a shoulder to cry on everyone is too busy. It is what it is, now on to something else.

Nothing has really changed as far as my personal life. That's a lie; only one man I'm interested in instead of two. The other was exed out last week, I don't like it when people try to talk me into doing things when I've already said no, that is an immediate turn off. So he is out of the pic. As far as my dude, we are cool still in the process of getting to know each other. My wall is still up so I'm at a stand still until I see a reason to let it down a little more. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I have to protect this heart of mine; it has been through a lot in these 32 years. Is it possible that soon I will be able to be vulnerable with a man again? I hope so, being in a loveless relationship for 3 years really sucked and I am ready to be able to give all of me to someone who will appreciate the type of woman Iam. My homeboys always tell me that I am the perfect woman... I can hold it down, love sports, can cook, I don't trip, sexy, ride or die chick, supportive and funny. If I am all of those "things" (which I do have much more to offer, but that's for another time) why haven't I fallen in love? I mean I have loved, but never been in love. I will continue to patiently wait and continue to become a better woman so I can show my boys an example of what a woman is suppose be and so I can be the best woman for my future husband.