Head is definitely in a different space today. Not because there is anything wrong, I have just had a lot of things running through my head; questions that I ask myself. Like, Do I really ever want to get married and if yes why? Do I want more kids? Is it more freeing to be single and have fun? What is really the point of a relationship? I am not opposed to any of the above things, but I am very aware that they are not for everyone and sometimes I feel like it's not for me or more on the lines that it is not going to happen for me. I have been close so many times when I was younger and now that I am in my 30's I have this urge to be a wife and have that best friend/husband, someone to wake up to in the morning and have that intimacy. Now that I am in my settling down mode, I can't seem to find the a man that is on the same page with me. I like to be honest from the beginning and let a dude know what I am looking for and most of the time I get a negative response, but it's cool I just don't want to blind side anyone so I just put it out there. I would hope that they can at the least appreciate my honesty. Then the next thought that pops in my head is someway I feel like I owe it to my kids. They have been through so much especially my oldest. His father was murdered a few years ago and 4 months later I met my ex and my son bonded with him so much (all of my kids did) and when our relationship ended he was so hurt and didn't understand why Charles (ex) didn't love them anymore. I have to admit it was rough for a couple of months, but I really felt like I was doing the right thing with that relationship, but looking back now I know. I do not want to make that mistake again and get my kids involved, but sometimes it's hard. I am a single parent and yes sometimes I can get a babysitter, but I don't want to always be pawning my kids off just so I can go out and have a good time. I know that it is necessary to get out and enjoy myself, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do feel guilty I don't want my kids to feel like I prefer to go out instead of being with them. So even though I have been a mom for 12 years I am learning how to balance motherhood while still having time to be Nyiesa.