Bottled Up Feelings

There are some things weighing heavy on my heart and mind. Feelings of neglect, guilt, loneliness and not knowing. One thing I have noticed is these feelings come on strong around the holidays. Since its Mothers Day, it's no wonder I have been in a funk for the past week. Today, all of these feelings are coming to a head because I can't seem to get it together and stop crying. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE feeling like this and I have been like this for as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn't great, but it was definitely better than most. Loving parents that did the best they could with what they knew. Never doubted my parents love, but they had a weird way of showing me. I can remember being 10 years old and my mom getting me and my sisters ready to go and take pictures and I got my pants dirty and my mom getting mad and leaving me at home by myself,. That night really stands out in my head because I remember feeling scared, alone and wondering why my mom hated me so much. I know that she doesn't hate me but being 10 years at home alone at night those are not memories that I will forget (Those are my Thanksgiving memories). The Christmas holidays where I was the only kid that didn't get a gift at my dads side of the family house. Being told that since I am a step child that I don't need to call him my daddy. I could go on and on, but all of these things happening in my child hood made adulthood difficult. I never wanted to get married until about 4 years ago, because my mom would always tell me that it's better to be single because men aren't worth it (thank God I don't feel that way anymore). Now with that being said, since I believed what my mama was telling me that started me in a cycle of being promiscuous and not trusting men only using them to get what I want. That may have worked in high school, but it didn't work for me in college because I was rapped. Not going to go into details, but what I can say is if I would have had a better example of what a healthy relationship I wouldn't have been so easy for me to fall and have sex with a guy because he said he loved me or he thought I was fine. I would have been able to better recognize the good from bad. I know I have to take responsibility for a lot of my actions, but some things are taught to us as children and I didn't get that lesson when it came to sex and my body. I had to figure that out on my own. Even as an adult I still struggle at times, but it is a process and everyday it gets better.