Opened Eyes

There was a time when I thought everything in my life was finally working out the way I had always dreamed. I had a wonderful man in my life that loved my kids and my kids loved him. We went to family functions together, school events and getaways. Then it all came crashing down. Looking back now I can see that the relationship was doomed from the start, but me wanting to have a husband, kids and the house really clouded my judgement. I pushed my feelings to the side and lowered my standards on what I would accept from a man. Early on in the relationship things happened and now I know that was God telling me to open my eyes and pay attention. Without putting all my business out there in the streets, lets just say we stayed together damn near 3 years before it was finally over. I did not like the person I was turning into when I was with him, but I kept telling myself that I love him and my kids love him and was really hoping that he loved me just as much. Truth is he didn't love me and I think I was holding on because I didn't understand why. It's not because I couldn't find anyone else; to be honest I still don't know understand that part. At 32 I can honestly say I have a very clear understanding that you can't make people love you, no matter how good you cook, how good the sex is, how good you keep a house and manage your money. Love is so much more that. I'm not bitter, I feel that people come and leave your life for a reason. I feel that he was brought into my life to show me that I am capable of loving and taking care of someone besides my kids, and for that reason I am at peace with everything. There was a time when I never wanted to get married, because of the type of marriage my parents had when I was growning up and my mama always telling us not to get married. After a while the dating and the sex became a chore and that wasn't the life I wanted. I was finally ready to settle down and then there he was. So in the begining I looked at him like he was perfect because I got what I asked for. lol *** Listen *** Recently I looked at what I asked for: kind hearted, loves kids, God fearing, sense of humor and hard working. I'm sure some of you are scrating your heads. God said be specific, no where did I mention faithfulness, patience, understanding, compassion, goal oriented, stability (just to mention a few). So please believe me when I say I am being specific about what I need in a mate. I know he's out there, I'm just waiting for him to find me.